Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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