If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
