if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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