I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
