im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm too high and old for this...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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