...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
