I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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