Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
