Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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