I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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