Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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