I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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