my phone needs a breathalizer
In America we eat man semen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
