This is not my ceiling
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
