I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
