I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
