You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
