The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
