Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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