Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can you bring me the toilet please
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
