he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
