i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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