my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
