My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
