she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize