I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
