Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
