last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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