I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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