Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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