I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
