Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
