you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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