I want to walk on stilts...naked
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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