There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
