I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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