trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
