I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
