there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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