I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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