I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
