So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
