Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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