I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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