can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
