Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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