I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
