Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
