Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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