I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
what day is it and did you see me today?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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