I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
