bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
