Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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