in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
