We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
