sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
