You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
